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The Hidden Almanac for
Friday July 1st, 2016
Episode 433
The Hidden Almanac
Previous episode: 2016-06-29
Next episode: 2016-07-04

Summary

Today on the Hidden Almanac we fulfill our community broadcasting obligations with a debate between Bob and a Chicken. May the Madonna of Leaves have mercy upon me.

Transcription

Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

D: And I’m Pastor Drom!

Today is July 1st, 2016. 

We are reporting live from the Ravencoast School of Divinity, where the Hidden Almanac is hosting a debate between Bob the Composite Maggot Revenant, of Bob’s Used Car’s and Phil’s Chicken, for the post of District Court Judge. 

D: Woo! Democracy!

…indeed. Candidates, if you would introduce yourselves.

Bob: Unnnagghghhhh-rrrrrr---ghhhhh. Hnnngghgghh! 

Chicken: BAWK!

D: Clearly two very qualified candidates, wouldn’t you say, Mord?

I would not. 

D: Our questions have been sent in from listeners across the globe. But please answer briefly! It’s only a five minute show!

And yet, a minor eternity.

D: Our first question comes from Luc, Down the Way, who says “The faucets have begun running with blood. I’m worried that the blood isn’t properly fluoridated. Will you fix this?” 

Bob: Ungghghggg….

D: This is radio, Bob, they can’t see you—uh, he’s making twisting gestures like closing a faucet. Righty-tighty, lefty loosie?

Bob: Nrrrggh!

Indeed. Chicken, your rebuttal?

Chicken: Bawwk. Bawk-bawk-bu-cawk! Bawk?

D: And the chicken has scratched out a fluoride molecule on the podium. And the chicken is—oh, dear. 

I do not believe that the chicken approves of fluoridated blood. 

D: Well, I hear it burns.

It depends on the concentration. Our next question comes from a plague doctor who wishes to remain anonymous.

D: Is this you, Mord?

It is not. They ask, “What is your stance on apothecaries selling unregulated, foreign sourced alchemical reagents?” 

Chicken: Baawwwk! Baw-bawk-bawk-bawk. Bawk. Bawk-kawk.

D: A strong stance! I think. I’m not quite sure about the last bit.

It is an ancient saying among chicken-kind regarding the taste of alien worms. I do not believe that I can translate it in a way that would make sense to a human. 

D: Still, that’ll probably play well with the local voters.

Chickens are not allowed to vote.

D: Well, then that’s something for Phil’s chicken to work on it, isn’t it? Bob, your thoughts?

Bob: GRaaaaaOOOGHGH! 

The question was about unregulated apothecary supplies.

Bob: Graaaaggghh—(Chicken breaks in: BAWWK)—graggh. 

(Bob and Chicken continue talking over each other.) 

D: Chicken! You’ll have a chance to comment when Bob is done! You—oh, dear. 

The candidates will refrain from devouring one another! 

(Bob and chicken noises continues)

D: Oh! Full maggot pulled off there. That’s gonna leave a mark. Ah…let’s break here for an intermission and we’ll bring you the second half next time. 

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Chicken: BAAWGGLE BAWK BARRWWK BAGGGH!

D: Mord! Mord, get the holy water! I think the chicken’s speaking in tongues! It just clucked an umlaut!

(sigh)

That’s the Hidden Almanac for July 1st, 2016. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.

Outro

Outro

Out of character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is produced by Kevin Sonney. The voice of Reverend Mord is Kevin Sonney. And the voice of Pastor Drom is Ursula Vernon. Our intro music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can find more by Kosta T at the Free Music Archives. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2016, Ursula Vernon.

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