The Hidden Almanac for
Wednesday October 9th, 2013
Episode 12
Previous episode: 2013-10-07
Next episode: 2013-10-11


Today marks the anniversary of the first battle of the Spice Wars. It is also the day of the great pumpkin tragedy in West Seagulshire. Thinking of pumpkins, we will discuss them in the garden. And it is the Feast Day of Saint Salatius.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord. Today is October 9th, 2013.

On this day in 1544, the Battle of Fennel, the first battle of the Spice Wars, was fought in a farmer’s field near Troyzantine. Both sides had predicted victory and both retreated in disarray at the unexpected strength of the enemy. Prince Sergei III was heard to say “For a miserable pile of gutterpunks, they’ve got damn fine commanders,” a sentiment echoed by his counterpart among the Troyzantine forces.

On this day in 1856, a farmer named Obadiah Jenkins, in West Seagullshire,[1] grew an eleven-hundred-and-forty pound pumpkin. It was a variety known as “Red Mammoth” and was over eight feet across. The prize-winning pumpkin was taken from the fairgrounds to the village square by wagon, bearing its blue ribbon and accompanied by cheering villagers.

Unfortunately, the horses bearing the wagon were startled by the cheering and reared, toppling the cart and sending the massive pumpkin rolling down the steep streets of West Seagullshire. Seven villagers were crushed, two more injured, and only the fact that truly giant pumpkins are asymmetrical and do not roll well prevented more loss of life.

Obadiah Jenkins, himself, was unharmed, and vowed to grow a larger and more deadly pumpkin. He retired to his garden shed and has not been heard from since.

If you’re growing pumpkins in your garden yourself this year, they are probably beginning to ripen. In order to produce larger pumpkins, pinch off flowers until each vine contains a single pumpkin. Be careful when planting near other members of the squash family, as these vegetables cross-pollinate. Pumpkins cross particularly easily with other winter melons, such as Hubbard, acorn, and butternut squash.

Be particularly careful if planting near Tentacled Summer Squash, as these otherwise docile vegetables can become eldritch when crossed with pumpkins. It is much easier to prevent interdimensional portals in the garden before they start.

Today is the Feast Day of Saint Salatius. A figure of great, if vague benevolence, Saint Salatius is often invoked in folk medicine or called upon to intercede against nonspecific misfortune. Represented as an androgynous, robed figure, Saint Salatius may be referred to by either pronoun. He or she carries an owl feather and wears a crown of laurel leaves, and the hem of the saint’s robes are always red.

Medals featuring Saint Salatius are often hung from the lower edge of cribs and the ends of curtain rods. He or she is frequently represented in carvings on the exterior of buildings, including courthouses and hospitals.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat — "We Dig Tea."

Also sponsored by the city library. Have you gotten lost in a book lately?

That’s the Hidden Almanac for October 9th, 2013. Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013, Ursula Vernon.


  1. Spelled with one 'l' in the summary and two in the script
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